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For those who know me, they know there are 2 causes very close to my heart, cancer and mental illness. Today is one of my favourite awareness days of the year, it’s Bell’s Let’s Talk day in support of mental illness.

I haven’t made it a secret that I am one of 10% of Canadians who suffer from an anxiety disorder, but I know of many more with stories similar to mine who have never shared their struggles. I’m fortunate to be able to manage my anxiety with no noticeable impact on my day-to-day life, but it wasn’t always so easy and when I was going through it, I felt like I was on my own with no one truly understanding what I was going through. Years later, I found out there were people in my life who understood, but would have never admitted at the time to also struggling with mental illness. How I wish I would have had someone to talk to who could relate to my roller-coaster of feelings, moods and anxieties!

When I wrote about my struggles last year, I received messages from friends confiding their personal stories. It really made an impact on me and was proof Let’s Talk is a key program to opening lines of communication and erasing the stigma associated with mental illness. If you have, or still do, struggle with mental illness, I encourage you to share your story with just one person today. For those who know someone struggling, take a moment today to let them know you care. Together Let’s Talk!

A lot has happened during my blogging hiatus. Although I had no idea at the time, my last blog now looks like a premonition of the months that have followed. I won’t bore you with the details, but to make a long story short, I moved back to my hometown, accepted a job at the university I attended a decade ago and purchased my first home. There are definitely many things I know I will miss as a result of all of this change, but in many ways change has been a good thing.

Change makes you reflect on the past, take a deeper look at the present and consider the impact today’s changes may have on the future. I know I’ve brought up this subject in blogs in the past, but please bear with me. Friendships are definitely the most challenging element of change I have faced and continue to face on a daily basis.

My expectations of friendship have changed since I left my hometown and childhood friends 6 years ago, which has definitely been my most challenging struggle moving home. Maybe it’s the wisdom of 6 more years of life experience, the wonderful people I met during that period of time or the changes I went through with this amazing group of people.

I want to thank those friends who came in to my life in the past 6 years for setting the bar so high. Many of you show on a daily basis the true meaning of friendship. I miss you all very much, but know this isn’t the end of our journey together. Thank you for your endless messages of support that make me feel loved even when separated by 600 km.

Just a few few of our many amazing friends

Have you ever stopped to contemplate the choices you’ve made in life that have brought you to where you are today? Have you ever wondered if the choices you made were the right decisions?

Had you asked me when I started university a little over 12 years ago, I would have told you that by the time I was 30 I would be a practicing lawyer, own my own home, have a husband and two kids and be living in the city I grew up in. How young and naïve I was! For those who know me, they would be able to tell you I have not reached any of the above milestones, but I am happy with where I am and what I have accomplished.

With others around me making major life changes recently, from buying homes, to returning to school, to committing to someone for life, it’s made me start questioning whether I’m on the path I’m meant to be on. I’m far from unhappy but some days I wonder how my life would differ had I made different choices along the way. Other days I wonder how I will feel about my life in 10 years and what impact today’s decisions may have on that outlook.

I guess the unknown is what keeps life interesting and only time will tell what life has in store for me. As a friend recently reminded me, people rarely make a wrong choice and there is always the opportunity to make change. Smart words from a smart lady!

As you may have noticed, my blogging has been on a hiatus for 6 months. In this time, I have struggled to have positive topics to write about or was afraid I might voice opinions that could upset others. It’s definitely been a challenging few months in more ways than I could have ever imagined 6 months ago, but as always, I’ve tried to learn and grow. Here are a few things I have learned along the way…

True friendships will endure the test of time, regardless of the time between visits. These are the types of friendships you want to hold on to. On the other hand, friendships where you put more in than you receive in return need to be evaluated. As hard as it is to let go of these friendships, a few true friends will fulfill your life more than dozens of friendships that drain you.

At the end of the day, a career is only a career and it’s never too late to change your path in life. You need to do what is best for you or you will resent your career and be miserable. It might seem scary and insurmountable to make this change, but how do you know how truly happy you can be unless you try. Good luck to my friends and family who have taken a risk this year and made a change. Your personal strength amazes and inspires me.

Suicide creates more questions than answers and changes lives forever. Eight years later, I still struggle to make it through September 16th knowing the pain my brother’s friend must have been in to make that choice. Michael Landsberg from TSN’s Off the Record said it much better than I can when talking about his friend, Wade Belak. “People kill themselves when the fear of living another moment outweighs the fear of dying at that moment. I know what you’ve wondered. And don’t feel bad, we’ve all asked the question. You’re thinking it right now. Well, I will ask it for you; how does any parent choose to leave his kids? How does a guy share with me the joy of hearing his five-year old at violin lessons, and then eight days later plug his ears forever? I don’t know the answer, but I do know this; I pray that you and I won’t ever figure it out. Some things you don’t want to know. And some things you can’t ever judge.”

I want to end with a quote that many of you would have seen this summer and I hope you were as moved by it as I was…

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.” – The Honourable Jack Layton

Inspiring words to live by, as I’m sure many of you will agree.

A year ago today I made one of the hardest decisions of my life to date. I made the decision to put down my chinchilla, Foster, who was suffering from kidney failure after spending 2 months and $5,000 trying to save him. You can’t imagine how hard it is to hold a life in your hands until you’ve made the decision to put a pet to sleep. But after seeing the alternative and watching him unable to hold his head up, eat his favourite treats or chew on a stick, watching him suffer was no longer an option. No, he couldn’t verbally tell me he was ready to go, but his actions spoke louder than any words could. I still miss him greatly, but am comforted by all the happy memories he left with me.

Have  you ever asked yourself why we put our pets to sleep because it’s the humane thing to do, but when it comes to human life the only option is to watch our loved ones suffer? Exactly 4 years ago today, and 3 years to the day we put Foster down, my grandmother died of cancer. Fortunately she didn’t suffer long, less than a week once she started deteriorating, but it was still painfully hard to watch. The hospital gave her over 3 months to live and she was gone in a week. She made the decision to die, and I watched the extraordinary impact willpower has when someone makes that very personal decision. In this situation, she could verbally state she was ready to say her goodbyes but she could not choose to die.

Because cancer is close to me, both in what I do for a living and how so many in my life have been touched by cancer, my grandmother is not the only one I’ve watched suffer from a painful death. I’ve seen starvation, unbearable pain and suffocation. With many of these devastating situations, these individuals would have been “put to sleep” if they were a pet as that is the humane thing to do in our society. I’m not saying that euthanasia is the best option for any and all terminal situations, but I do believe it should be an option should the right processes be followed. People should have the right to die should they choose that over the suffering and be able to make the necessary arrangements while of sound mind.

Canada’s criminal code states “No person is entitled to consent to have death inflicted on him, and such consent does not affect the criminal responsibility of any person by whom death may be inflicted on the person by whom consent is given”. Charges for assisting someone in committing suicide in Canada have ranged from administering a noxious substance, to manslaughter, to murder. This section of the criminal code has often been debated, but to date there has been no legislation created to support assisted suicide.

I believe we have come to a point in society where people should be able to do more to choose their fate above signing a living will (which according to my limited research is only applicable in 6 provinces – Alberta and Saskatchewan both not in this list) or a do not resuscitate order. I often hear the expression “they are no longer in pain” when someone dies. Then why do we force them to suffer? Why do we treat our little critters with more decency that we do human life? I know change like this isn’t easy, and after having the life of a pet in my hands I can’t imagine the pain if it was my mother or father, but I feel strongly that if it’s your life you should have the right to choose. To me, that is the humane thing to do.

When I was a kid, I agonized over every dollar spent. Repeat trips were made to a store before a final decision was made. Even when I first met my boyfriend over 7 years ago, he used to make fun of me for the stress I created for myself over every purchase. At some point over the past 7 years I have become “loose” with my wallet. Shopping for me is a social activity with my boyfriend, a stress relief and something to do when I’m bored. I don’t waste money on useless things, but I also buy anything I want, whether I need it or not. For example, at last count, I own about 50 hoodies. Recently when I told this to a friend they said “wow, 15 hoodies” and I corrected them “no, 5-0 hoodies”. They were speechless.

I turn 30 next month and I’ve been thinking over the past few weeks of where I see my life going. Looking over my finances, knowing what I make versus what my fixed expenses are, I should be sitting well. I’m in a dual income house, have very affordable rent and no large expenses that are out of the ordinary. Even with this, I live paycheck to paycheck and carry debt that is based on shopping, vet bills and vehicle repairs, some of these expenses being over 2 years old. Living on a strict budget, it’s still going to take me almost 2 years to pay this debt off.

But now I have a plan. For the first time in my life I’ve put together a personal budget. My biggest challenge won’t be sticking with it, but monitoring it to ensure success. I’ve set myself up with tools to track everything and am hoping I can stay with it so that in 2 years I can be financially stable and hopefully a new homeowner too. It’s not a “quick” solution, but with a little practice, I’m giving myself the tools to succeed today and in the future.

For anyone who watches CTV, it’s been hard to miss the new commercials featuring Olympian Clara Hughes promoting Bell’s Let’s Talk campaign aiming to reduce stigma attached to mental illness. A poll conducted for the Canadian Medical Association found that only 50% of Canadians will tell a friend that a family member has a mental illness while 72% would disclose a cancer diagnosis. In the same poll, almost half of Canadians (46%) said they think the term “mental illness” is used as an excuse for bad behaviour. (source – http://www.bce.ca/en/community/mentalhealth/bellletstalk/index.php)

The subject of mental illness has come up a lot lately in my circle of friends and I’m surprised by the stigma that is still associated with it. Some still have the misconception that mental illness means psych wards, hallucinations and illogical statements. I have suffered from depression, I believe, for the better part of my life. At 23 years old I was officially diagnosed with situational depression and went through close to a year of drug, one-on-one and group therapy. I now manage my depression on my own, drug free and armed with knowledge and a strong support system.

One of the biggest symptoms I’ve faced, then and now, are anxiety attacks. Now these are almost impossible to describe to one who hasn’t had one, but I will try. Imagine someone taking their hands and squeezing your heart while sitting on your chest. Add in a few heart palpitations and that unmistakable feeling of wanting to crawl out of your own skin. When it gets bad enough, it sometimes hurts to breathe too. It feels, like I imagine, a heart attack might feel. Thankfully these are no longer a daily occurrence and typically only attack when I feel a very strong sense of a lack of control over my life. To look at me, you likely would not be able to tell I’m having one apart from the far away look I might get, the frown on my face and a few deep breaths that could easily be mistaken for sighs.

I’ve always been open in sharing my story as I know so many others suffer in similar ways, including many of those closest to me. We are no different than you and in most cases you would never know to look and interact with us that we’ve faced or are current facing this type of a battle. Mental illness takes many forms. My form happens to be one that few people, if any, would be able to know if I didn’t tell them. This week make an effort to start the conversion. Mental illness should not be something we shy away from. So many go without seeking help for fear of the stigma. Let’s give those people the confidence to talk about it, seek help and show the world it would be a much better place if we all just talked about it.

Last week I had one of my colleagues provide me with insight in to a trait I didn’t realize I have. I was told I am a calming influence when those around me are stressed, upset or anxious. I’m the one they call when they are worked up, and by the time we are off the phone they feel more positive about the situation and ready to move forward. I was flattered when my colleague (who I have a lot of respect for) called me a calming influence, but not surprised when I thought more about it. I have always loved being a coach, whether on the court or in my career, and I think this is one of the traits I appreciate in a coach. Really, it’s all about listening, empathizing and motivating to move forward.

When I thought more about it, I definitely don’t bring this trait home with me at the end of the day, and tend to gravitate towards the storm. I thrive on testing the limits with those I love, and more specifically my boyfriend of 7 years. It’s not something I’ve been unaware of as I’ve been called on it many times, although it’s not something I’ve consciously tried to change. It’s almost as if my patience runs out at the end of my work day. Or maybe, I want to be the one “coached” when I get home at the end of my day. Someone to motivate me, tell me I can do it and that I’m great at what I do.

Now that I’m equipped with knowing how different my attitude and behaviours are perceived at work versus at home, I hope to consciously monitor my attitude at home on a go forward and focus on the calm and not the storm…as no one likes to be viewed as the storm.

I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions, but in an effort to be successful in my journey towards living, loving, laughing and finding hope, I’ve decided this is the year I will make resolutions. Before I start, let’s take a look at my defining events of 2010.

1) Trip to Maui – Maui amazed me with all one tiny, little island can hold. A volcano standing over 10,000 ft tall. A rainforest with winding roads, waterfalls and the most beautiful vegetation you’ve ever seen. Beautiful beaches with snorkeling, whale watching and surfing. If I had to pick my heaven on earth, Maui would most certainly be it.

2) Putting down Foster – Until you’ve been faced with the choice of putting your pet to sleep, you don’t understand how excruciatingly difficult that decision can be. It was easily one of the hardest decisions of my life and many tears were shed in the process. To hold a life in your hands and have control over that life (a control that feels more like lack of control) to end suffering. It made me appreciate time spent with my chinchilla’s and the unconditional love a pet brings to the home.

3) My manager’s cancer diagnosis – I realize this event was much more defining for her, but it spiraled me in to a situation where I’m living to work instead of working to live. Fifty-five hour work weeks became the norm and my personal life became non-existent, putting stress on many of my relationships. It took a full three weeks off this December to truly realize the stress I’ve placed on my body and on my relationships.

These defining moments play a big part in my New Year’s resolutions, which are as follows:

1) Finding my own personal heaven closer to home as well as discovering new places of beauty – My goal is to find a sanctuary closer to home that I can go to for happiness. If this ends up being my bedroom, so be it, but I need to find a place that is free from stress. In addition, I’m going to start making those trips I always talk about but never get to. Costa Rica is already on the list for 2011.

2) Make my chinchilla’s a priority – I’m not saying I don’t already shower my little chinchilla babies with love and attention, but I haven’t been as diligent about “play time” as I should and I often take for granted the huge role they play in my happiness. Petland had it right when they created their slogan “Petland pets make life better”. I know my life is fuller with Scout, Finch, Atticus and Blue and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

3) Work to live instead of live to work – This area covers a tonne of resolutions focused on making myself healthier and happier, resolutions that are important to my overall well-being. Working a more traditional work week, proactively making time to connect with friends and family, taking care of my body through eating well, being active and getting the sleep I need and making time for the activities I love such as card making, photography and painting. These are all things that took the sideline this year while I invested all I had in my job.

4) Reduce my debt – Although this one isn’t directly correlated with any of my defining moments of 2011, there is a connection. When I’m stressed or unhappy I love to spend money. 2010 has been a year I’ve steadily crept in to debt and I want to eliminate (or at least greatly reduce) this debt in 2011.

I’m positive I’m missing other resolutions that are important to address, but maybe a better word for resolution is goal, and maybe we should be evaluating our goals daily, instead of just once a year. Maybe then we would all be a little more successful in our quest to be the best we can be.

Good luck to all on your resolutions for 2011. Sláinte!

I heard an inspirational philosophy today, albeit on one of my teeny-bopper shows on the WB, but it stated that happiness is a mood and not a destination. Therefore if we weren’t always trying to reach the destination, or happiness in this case, we would likely find more happiness along the way.

This weekend I had the pleasure of watching one of my oldest friends find happiness and marry her soul mate. It was the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever had the pleasure of being invited to. Every detail was unique and perfect in almost every way. You think I would be truly happy to be a part of this, but a way it made me sad. How you ask? I’ve been asking myself the same question.

Maybe it’s because I don’t believe my wedding, when that day arrives, could ever match the beauty of this event, and every girl grows up believing her wedding will be the most magical day. Maybe it’s because I’m envious of what I perceive to be a perfect relationship, seeing them so obviously enamored with each other. And maybe (very likely) it’s because it has reminded me how this person who was once one of my nearest and dearest friends, lives only 5 minutes away from me and I’ve only met her husband a handful of times before their wedding. Again, an example of how I’ve lost touch with some of the most important things (or in this case people) in my life.

Now I don’t want anyone to think I’m not happy for the couple, as I couldn’t be happier. I think of all my friends, past and present, she is most deserving to find true happiness. She is one of the kindest, most genuine people I know – beautiful inside and out. Instead, it’s reminded me of how easy it is for a friendship to be derailed when you forget to put in a little effort.

In recent past I’ve been so focused on reaching destinations and forgotten to enjoy the moments of happiness in the journey along the way. Hopefully this realization will be a stepping stone on my path to find my way back to what’s truly most important in life.